Itsy-Bitsy No Longer

JENNY LEE
Features Editor

Excusing the fact that a man nearly ran over an innocent rabbit, Eight Legged Freaks assimilates a sizable amount of animal abuse, the “horror” moments for me. Colossal, carnivorous spiders on cricket steroids mugged a dog, a cat, my favorite parrot, and by the time they plucked off a flock of ostriches, it was almost an expected tragedy.

With scurrying spiders making mischievous cartoon squeaks coupled with green mucus of supposed spider blood, the movie is far from having the effective horror genre qualifications. The instrumental tunes were upbeat and dynamic compared to the standard slow, suspenseful horror movie music. These building-climbing, sometimes-fireproof arachnids emerge from hidden areas in quick bursts; rarely do they spring out of nowhere, erasing the surprise element from the film.

Although it fails to terrify its audience, watching townsfolk arm themselves with chainsaws, pitchforks and perfume bottles was more entertaining than I anticipated. With hopping spiders tailing speeding neon green motorcycles, this “arach-attack” plays out like an action film with a typical happy ending and an atypical closing song, featuring a more gruesome version of the “The Itsy Bitsy Spider.”

The accurate portrayal: the not-so-isty-bitsy Spiders crawled out from within, to capture living beings with webs that they spin.