A Fieldguide to the Republican Candidates

Copy Editor Jimmy Tang and Staff Writer Johnny Huynh

Newt Gingrich
If Gingrich can prove anything about the political campaign process, it is that sex sells. Actually, scratch that. Besides being a candidate of gravitas, he may be hindered in spite of his relevant governmental proposals by the classic, arrow-to-the-knee, extramarital affair(s). Seriously, besides being like any other conservative Republican, this guy can really set himself up for going down… At least, he still has the support of Rick Perry.

Mitt Romney
Of all the remaining GOP candidates, former governor of Massachusetts, Willard Mitt Romney, has probably been the least embarrassing. He’s remained a front runner, but has failed to be named the outright winner for the following reason: He has no spirit. He lacks the charisma and excitement that America needs to push toward success. If he hopes to reach his goal to become the President, he has a thing or two to learn from Obama about inspiring citizens.

Ron Paul
Ron Paul has remained the laughing stock of the GOP race to his fellow candidates despite his consistent performance during the Primaries. He has criticized everything from interstate highways to the Civil Rights Act in an effort to demonstrate that he is not, in fact, a closeted Libertarian. Nice try. Paul has his good moments, but can America afford to elect a questionable candidate as its president during these difficult times?

Rick Santorum
Displaying the least rash temperament of the remaining presidential candidates, Santorum is a favorite of the socially conservative population. There is religious tint behind many of his proposals to the public, assuming all the validity of subtle anti-left fundamentalism to replace scientific soundness – rejecting climate change theory, contraceptives and non-traditional families.